


Compromised

by squeaks



Category: How I Met Your Mother, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-04
Updated: 2016-11-12
Packaged: 2018-03-10 11:18:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3288395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/squeaks/pseuds/squeaks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>HIMYM/ Marvel Crossover</p><p>Maria Hill finds her cover's once secure New York apartment compromised and roommate Ted is due home any minute. This is followed by numerous cusses of 'god fucking dammit Romanoff' as S.H.I.E.L.D.'s newest asset apparently has no boundaries.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hey Darling

‘ _Robin Scherbatsky_ ’ huffed irritably up the second flight of stairs.

Not only did she have to deal with Barney discovering a second Robin Sparkles video today but she also had to shadow her new mark through 2 hours of gruelling New York traffic,  5 and a half hours of conference meetings and one very bland lunch break - her mark’s, not hers. Unfortunately she still hadn't eaten. Unless there was a major break in this ‘suspected Military and AIM under-the-counter weapons dealing’ thing she’s going to shove this mission’s dozier up Fury’s arse. It was times like this when loathed her high clearance and pairing decision to continue field work.

She ground her heels into the door mat, scraping off the filth of New York streets while she flipped through her key chain. Twisting the key in the lock, she noticed it stuck and grated before clicking into place. Her shoulders tensed. Someone’s picked at it since she last left the apartment.

She scanned the door for any clues about the intrusion then glanced around the hallway, to make sure she was in fact alone. The brunette clipped her glock’s safety off and levelled it before her as she cautiously pushed the door open. She took a deep breath and peered through the cracked opening.

“Romanoff WHAT THE HELL!” Maria slammed the apartment door open, her eyes darting back to the hallway before hastily shutting the door and sliding the dead bolt in place. Oh no, no, no. She’s going to kick Widow’s handlers ass for this!

The Black Widow was in her cover apartment. Dressed in her very non-civilian skin-tight field suit. Covered in blood. WITH A DEAD BODY LAYING STRAPPED TO TED’S FAVOURITE CHAIR!

“Agent this zone of the city is not only out of bounds but also past your clearance level, so please explain to me what in heaven’s name you think you are doing!” the brunette seethed, darting to her right to draw the curtains tightly shut. Her mind immediately clicked into its ‘tactical mode’.

 _The fire escape would allow an extraction and clean up team to subtly access the room. Ted usually leaves work by 5:30 with forty seven minutes of travel time, meaning he’s due back in exactly…SHIT, three minutes. Ok, it’s alright, that’s fine. I can text him to me meet me at the bar, that should give us a bit more time to sort this out_.

Romanoff watched the Deputy Director stash away her gun in exchange for a cell phone. Coulson was apparently on her speed dial and he was currently getting a rushed earful of instructions, cusses and famous Commander Hill glares – the latter being renownedly feared for transcending boundaries of distance to pierce their victim’s heart with icy dread.

“My position was compromised by this idiot” she nodded half-heartedly to the limp man hanging from the chair. “He boasted about having intel and made threats to expose S.H.I.E.L.D’s Project Insight to the media. Turns out he was a guard dog with very poor information and completely unreliable sources”. Hill watched with mild horror as Natasha methodically cleaned and stashed multiple knives and blades back into her field suit as if she was mediocrely unpacking a dishwasher. S.H.I.E.L.D. was still working on controlling their newest asset’s interrogation methods.

“That doesn’t explain your presence here _or_ the amount of blood” Maria clipped, pointedly looking away from the petite assassin and scrolling through her recent messages to find Ted’s number and arrange his bar detour. She heard a faint sigh of exhaustion, barely audible against the growls of traffic outside the window.

“Our resident dumbass here called in my location to his mob of trigger happy friends. I was chased from down town only to be ambushed at my arranged extraction point – kudo’s to Coulson for picking such a highly sealed off and tactical position, but unfortunately these guys liked it for those qualities too. So long story short Commander, I grabbed the idiot who started it all and headed to a location marked on my debrief as a ‘secure level nine facility’ expecting protection – not fluffy throw pillows and blue French horns. At what point did your countries Intelligence Organisation start decorating its facilities with colourful wind instruments?” she scoffed, sizing up her surroundings once more before muttering in Russian.

Hill ground her teeth. This is what happens when you put the training responsibilities for the world’s most confident assassin in the very stupid hands of Clint Barton. Maria could practically see parts of Clint shining through Romanoff’s dialogue. She inwardly groaned. Natasha once had so much potential as the perfect agent.

“This is a _private_ facility for a very specific undercover role, and for future reference your access to it ceases once this is cleaned up and covered. Did anyone see you enter?”

“No ma’am” Natasha quipped with a sharp shake of her head. “Where do you want me positioned regarding the cleaning team?”

“Wait on the roof and bring them down here through the fire exit, while they mop up and deal with the body I want you scanning the apartment for any other traces of your presence – I don’t want a single hair of yours left here, am I clear Agent Romanoff?”

“Yes Commande-“ before Natasha could finish her sentence, the unmistakable sound of keys sliding into place pulled both women’s attention towards the door.

“For fucks sake” Maria muttered, “Take the body and the chair to the bedroom behind me, there’s access to the fire escape from its window” she hissed. “Do NOT allow anyone to enter till the clean-up team gets rid of both, and agent, assume for the time being that anyone who enters this apartment without a S.H.I.E.L.D. uniform is a civilian and treat them accordingly. Which means you do not engage, and you DO NOT expose either one of our titles, is that clear?” she drilled out.

“Yes ma’am” Natasha smirked, getting to work immediately. She’d heard about Hill’s reputation as a Hardass but had never witnessed it firsthand till now.

The door rattled behind her and Maria poured her blessings out to her past self for sliding the deadbolt in place. She quickly turned the couch cushions and pillows over to hide any blood splatters before shoving the coffee table out of the way so she could make quick work of hiding the pool of deep red that had spread across the rug. At least this was easier to clean up that a puddle of dead-guys blood on wooded floorboards.

“Hey Robin? Robin, you home?” Ted’s muffled voice came through the door, followed by more jingles of the door knob.

“Oh ah, yeah just give me a sec, ok?” she called, heaving the roll of carpet into her arms and taking it to the same room as Romanoff. Thank god it was her room and not Teds. “Make sure the team take this too” she ordered before heading back out to slide the table in place.

“What’s with the lock?” he asked, thumping his foot against the door frame lightly

“Ted you should know you can never be too careful in this city” Maria forced a laugh, scanning the room. It looked pretty good, the furniture didn’t look unsettled and there were no more major visible blood stains so she may as well open the – OH CRAP, severed finger on the floor! SEVERED FINGER ON THE FLOOR! Dammit Romanoff! Hill grabbed the crooked souvenir of Romanoff’s afternoon work and hastily wrapped it with a sheet of newspaper before tossing it in the garbage. Oh that is NOT the type of thing her civilian roommate needs to see. She grabbed a can of air freshener from behind her and emptied half its contents in the room. “Remember that time Marshal came home from his first solo trip around the city and you smacked him with a baseball bat thinking someone had broken in?” she huffed, smoothing out her top before unlocking the door.

“Hey, I’d just watched Cops and it put me in an over-cautious state, ok?” he held up his hands in defence as he walked in before scrunching up his nose. “Woah Scherbatsky, got a new addiction to Pine and Lemon?” he asked, swishing his hand in front of his face

 _Hey, it smells better than freshly slaughtered corpse and gunpowder,_ Maria inwardly grumbled.

“If you didn’t leave food around I wouldn’t need to purge the air with Air Wick. Honestly Ted, learn to clean up” she irritably shifted the attention to him.

“Oh, 'msorry. I didn’t know I did that” he unwound his scarf and tossed his bag in the corner “And what’s up with you? The meeting in the bar thing. Sorry but I only saw the text when I was coming up the stairs but still, what’s wrong with talking right here?” he gestured around him, flopping down on the couch.

“Oh the bar has a new…set of coasters that I wanted to show you. They look awesome” Maria inwardly cringed, but it’s exactly the type of dorky thing Robin would bring up so she just forced a grin and nodded awkwardly. She could practically feel Romanoff judging her from the other side of the door.

Ted shifted around and kicked off his shoes. “Coasters?” he drew out the word “Coasters. Cool, well, you can show them to me tonight. Marshal called me at work and I told him we’d wait for him and Lily before we head down for a drink. They’re sick of always being the last ones to join us” he rambled, shifting around in his seat again “Of course that wouldn’t be an issue if they didn’t move so far from the ba- did you turn the couch cushions over? They are so uncomfortable” he grumbled, wriggling his butt deeper before puffing and giving up.

“Yeah they…got stained, and I didn’t want to fork out for dry cleaning when the other side was still fine to use, so” she waving a hand out the couch and hastily stomping her foot as her bedroom window very loudly screeched open. Ted gazed behind him and quirked an eyebrow.

“You got company?” 

“No” _Dammit Hill. Real smooth,_ she inwardly grumbled as she paced towards the armchair in dire need for something to lean on. 

“Cause I’m pretty sure there’s someone in your room”

“It’s New York Ted, it probably came from the street” she shrugged it off, grabbing his attention by tossing an arm in the air and heading to the kitchen for a glass of water. "You want one?"

"No, I'm good." Ted scrutinised her. “So just so I’m clear with the events of today so far; you were alone at home, with the deadbolt locked and your bedroom definitely empty?” he put on his irritating ‘detective’ voice that always grinds on Maria’s nerves. This is guy would never cut it in real field work.

“Yes, what’s wrong with that?” Maria frowned, not having to try very hard for 'tiered nonchalant' body language. 

“Nothing. Expect for the fact that,” he stood up dramatically “you told me to meet you in the bar to see _‘coasters’_ ” he raised his eyebrows “despite that you yourself were up here. In the apartment. With the door locked from the inside.” Maria looked him straight in the eye with her best ‘ _what crap are you trying to achieve with this_ ’ face. “So tell me Robin, were you really trying to show me coasters, or were you trying to distract me. To bid my time before I came home? So you could get rid of any smells in the air and turn the ‘stained’ couch cushio- oh ew! You had sex on the couch didn’t you!” he jerked his head to his much beloved old red couch.

“God, no. I swear there’s no one else in the apart-" a thud from her bedroom make her point irrelevant. Hill sighed, bracing herself on the kitchen countertop. God-fucking-dammit Romanoff. She’s held this cover for five years, yet it’s apparently about to be blown by one stupid-ass move by the alleged super-assassin. Today was not her day.

“And your co-sexer is still here, aren’t they!” Ted grinned, chin sticking up with smug anticipation. “Who’s in the bedroom Robin?”

 _A dead corpse, team of highly trained government agents and the notorious Black Widow_ , her mind quipped.

“Just let it go Mosby” she pleaded, trying a different approach. But the little jerk started backing up, towards her door.

“Who’s in the bedroom Robin?” he taunted again, clearly enjoying this

“Ted, _please_ just let this is go. Com’on” she followed him cautiously, her mind going absolutely mental. How long does it take to carry a body out a window anyway?

“Who’s in the bedroom Robin?” he slowly asked a final time, his hand brushing the door knob.

Oh crap. Maria lunged forward, pushing Ted away from the door just after he twisted the handle and shoved it open. She took in Ted’s gobsmacked expression and feared the worst. Well this is it. She’s been compromised. Her cover’s blown. Hill turned around with slow dread, wondering how much Ted had witnessed. Only to have her own jaw fall slack at the sight in front of her.

God. Fucking. DAMMIT Romanoff!!

There in Robin’s bedroom doorway stood a very non-bloody Natasha, no longer in her field suit. In fact she wasn’t in much at all, besides Robin’s old Canadian Hockey jersey which was rolled up at the sleeves. Hill noticed with a rush of heat and embarrassment that the woman wasn’t even wearing a bra and she quickly forced her eyes back up to meet Romanoff’s sly gaze.

“Hey darling, I woke up and you weren’t there” she purred in a light, humming voice. Red curls fell across her cheek as she slid forward to wrap her arms tightly around Hills waist and peck her on the nose, before resting her head in the nook of the taller agents shoulder. “And you must be the roommate” she smiled fondly at Ted, adding just a sliver of a self conscious giggle. “I’m so sorry that you caught us out like this. Robin always tries to hide me away when you come home”

“I-I, yes, we-“ Ted gulped and the women could practically see the questions running around in his head as he stuttered out “a-always? Wait, how long has this been going on?” he stared at Maria, eyebrows almost ripping off the top of his scalp in shock

Hill’s mind was flying. _What even_ is going on? “Four amazing months” Natasha nuzzled the words into Hill’s neck with a smirk at the same time that Maria blurted out “Not long” and awkwardly tried to figure out where to put her arm. She settled with shoving her hand in her jean’s back pocket.

“Four months” Ted scoffed in disbelief “I, ah, wow. Well congrats you two, and it’s nice to finally meet you, uh” he held a hand out hesitantly, clearly intimidated. Hill couldn’t help but be slightly impressed. Even while acting like a playboy bunny Natasha Romanoff's presence still kept people in their place.

“Natalie” the redhead quipped with a grin, taking Ted's hand in a firm handshake “Rushman” she tagged her cover’s last name on the end as well. If Ted was having trouble believing this, half a lifetimes worth of details in Facebook, Tinder and Instagram accounts would help make this more legitimate.

“Natalie,” he said dazed lightness. The corner of Romanoff’s lips ticked as she bit down another smirk. Who is this guy? And what the hell is he doing in a level nine S.H.I.E.L.D. zone?

She playfully hid her face back against Hill’s neck and stroked the brunettes arm “So um, baby, do you want me to go now or…?” she nipped at Hills pulse point and pulled their hips closer, trying her best not to laugh at just how rigid the senior agents body could be. She shouldn’t be having this much fun given her mission’s current situation. And she definitely shouldn’t be enjoying teasing the taller woman so much – she almost felt bad for Hill.

“Yeah, I think it’s best if you left” Hill gently pushed the assassins body far enough to stop the snuggles, her mind racing between thoughts of ‘how did the clean-up go’, ‘how many policies did we just break’ and ‘god what shampoo does she use.’ She glared down at Romanoff’s pout and innocent eyes before adding in an overly sweet voice “But I’ll call you, _darling_ ” the final word intended as a sneer but Natasha’s self-conscious giggle made it look more like a playful taunt.

“Oh hey, no!" Ted interjected. "Don’t let me interrupt,” he awkwardly motioned in circles at the still half entwined pair “this.” He scrabbed his hands together, hesitating on the spot before talking straight towards the front door. “Robin, you can have the apartment for the night. It was really nice meeting you Natalie, and oh, uh, I hear Mr. Wang’s is back in business if you two want Chinese or something” he said quite pointedly, reminding Maria of their arrangement with the door handle take-out menu and bringing home dates. He raised his eyebrows at her a final time, mentally screaming across the room ‘ _wait till Barney hears about THIS’_ before disappearing out the door.

Natasha peeled herself away from Hill and headed into the bedroom to pull her field suit back on. She let out a low chuckle “I can’t wait to find out the story behind this undercover op. How can that guy earn a level nine security perimeter?” she scoffed, shaking her head playfully at Maria. 

Maria half followed her into the room intending to unleash her rage and rip into the agent but then realised Romanoff had no inhibitions about changing right in front of her, causing Hill to scrape a hand over her face and stumble out to the kitchen.“Firstly, it’s out of your clearance, you won’t be finding out anything. Secondly WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT! Do you get how complicated you made this situation? Black Widow or not, there are dozens of disciplinary measures for what you just did there” Hill seethed. She eye'd the wine irritably and mentally threw her hands in the air, de-corking the bottle with her teeth and gulping down a few mouthfuls. She released a groan, balling a fists against her eyes. Today was really not her day. She needed a punching bag. And fewer idiot agents in her life.

“Oh _Robin_ I think I would let you make _every_ disciplinary measure against me” a coy voice rung through the apartment, followed by another low chuckle and the clipping of boots against the floorboards.

Hill fumed. She squared off her tense shoulders and did her best to make her expression blank. It’s not her style to lose control and she refuses to be humiliated by a lower agent.

When Romanoff turned the corner into the kitchen with her cheeky smirk smeared across her face, Hill did her best not to snap out and punch it. Instead she kept her voice low and level. “Romanoff, you are to make your way back to your handler for mission debrief. Then at 0700 hours tomorrow I want you to report to the conference room opposite my office for a full run down and discussion of the severity of your actions against S.H.I.E.L.D's codes of conduct. From there we'll re-evaluate how ready you _really_ are to be in the field for us and hell, some disciplinary measures may be made. Do I make myself clear?”

Romanoff picked up on the chill radiating off the Deputy immediately. Perhaps she did take things too far. She shuddered at the promise of ‘other disciplinary measures’, her mind immediately running back her trainers at the Red Room. But she held off of this behind a well-practiced façade of neutrality and clipped to her superior, “Yes Commander Hill,” before spinning on her heel and disappearing up the fire exit.

Maria stared at her as she left, unable to comprehend the silence of the empty apartment with the chaos that had just unfolded. God knows where Romanoff planned on going once on the roof but that wasn’t her problem. Right now she had to deal with the fact that a level nine facility had been compromised and its value to S.H.I.E.L.D. had to be reevaluated. She pulled out one her field-work devices, setting it against the phone and using it to secure the line before punching in the all too familiar numbers. It rang twice. “Fury, it's me. We have a situation.” 


	2. Textbook Move

_‘Ok, I’ll compromise. I’m practically doing you a favour now. One pic of her on all fours and one story of what you did to her in that position ;)’ – B._

Maria groaned, she was so sure she had put an end to this conversation. ‘ _One more message from you and I'll be telling everyone how you earned a stunning black eye’_

_‘Scherbatksy be a bro! And because we're bro's I'll settle for just the photo. Do you prefer email or text?’ - B_

The Deputy slumped slightly in the conference chair as she dumped her phone onto the pile of books she had collected for the meeting. Barney had relentlessly been pressing her for saucy details about her ‘mystery girl’ for the last eleven hours, interrupting her debriefs and meetings for the night. Hill was pretty sure he’d foregone sleep for this cause. Which was ridiculous because there are two things in life Barney Stinson will never skip and they are the opportunity to score a college girl and his designated ‘beauty sleep’ hours. Which only further convinces the Canadian born agent that all New York men were at least 10% feminine. By grace (to take her mind off things in the field). Maria straightened when she noticed the Director and a very stern faced Romanoff approaching the conference room.

“Morning Maria.” Fury gruffed as he breezed through and dropped a file on the desk, a few papers sliding out just enough for her to notice a portrait photo of Natasha on the first page. “Let’s make this quick. Coulson’s been deployed with Barton to clean up a mess in New Mexico, but Agent Hill and I have both spoken with him on the events of yesterday” he waved a hand at the papers as he stretched back on the head chair of the table before glancing at Natasha, who had silently slipped into a seat opposite Hill.

“You caused quite a ruckus” he jabbed. Romanoff bobbed out a sharp nod of acknowledgement as the Director continued. “We don’t have time for ruckus’s Agent Romanoff. We are a Strategic organisation, meaning we make plans, we execute the plans and we do not stray OFF plan. Especially on straight forward missions. Which is what I handed to you. Hell, you’re meant to be the Sovereign Shadow or some shit, couldn’t you have shadowed your mark till extraction?” he sighed, pulling open the file and sliding two sheets over to Natasha.  “You were given a task above your clearance, we thought we could trust you with that much. But you violated direct orders, entered a facility above your clearance, you were seen by a civilian and POI in a mission that was again, above your clearance. I expected better of you Miss Romanoff, after all that we went through for you to get here. Are you trying to tell me my faith in you was misplaced?" 

Natasha looked him straight in the eye. "My judgement may be different to yours, but I was put in a situation, and I handled it."

" _Handled_ is a generous way to put it" he challenged, leaning back and studying her. 

Natasha glanced between them, utterly unsure of what would go down next. There was a window in front of her, behind Hill, which lead to 10 story drop but with her widow belt on under her button down shirt that shouldn't be an issue. She even had her widow bites tucked under her blazer sleeves, as a precaution if push came to shove and leaving was her best option. She pushed her chair back from the table and relaxed in that position. "And I thought SHIELD could handle my tactics, weren't they the exact reason you recruited me? You needed the extra kick in your corner, an edge you've never been able to grasp in the past."

Maria looked like she wanted to roll her eyes while Fury seemed pleased. He nodded solemnly. "Do you think you're greater than SHIELD then? That your methods are too _beyond_  our organisation?"

"We'll I'm definitely not here to file the paperwork and mop the floors" Natasha assured.  

"You may want to think again Widow." Maria cut in, sick of the redheads confidence. Natasha raised a brow at her, intrigued. "Your level six clearance has been swiped, till further notice you are on level 3. Your ID card has been restricted since this morning, you may have noticed." 

"And what role would I have as a level three? That's basically city cop work; doing the groundwork and handing your work up stream to someone else to take the finishing punch."

"That's the idea. You're exceptional at your work, I wont deny it. You're marksmanship, espionage and problem solving scores are some of the highest we've seen." She paused, tilting her head and meeting Romanoff's cold hard glaze. "But, you can't work within our boundaries which begs the question - can you work for us at all?" She slid a dozier between them, which Natasha carefully opened and skimmed. "That's your new outline of duties. From now on, you report to Agent Myers in analytics and Mrs. White in HR, she'll be taking over your training from Coulson, focusing on some basic SHIELD theory. Your access to the Strike team facilities have been withdrawn, so if I see you in those zones you'll be sanctioned. If you can't work within your new program we'll seriously question if you have work with us in the future. Questions?"

Natasha's head shot up, she felt slightly confused. Skimming the file she was immediately bored with how dull it looked – S.H.I.E.L.D. entrance and policy exams, information analytics, writing level three brief’s for teams. This is how they decide to teach the Black Widow a lesson? It was so far from what she was expecting that it felt like a joke.

Hill waited, her eyes running over Natasha's calm fingers flicking through the papers. She’d hardly twitched since entering the room, hell if her shoulders weren’t moving Maria could have sworn she wasn’t even breathing – dang super-assassin training.

Nonchalance scratched at the under side of Hill’s skin in all the wrong ways.

Plus, the new agent had walked all over Hill’s authority yesterday with her surprisingly successful Hockey Jersey stunt, Hill had a childish drive to one-up her or that tickling humiliation threatened to never leave.

The redhead was now openly smirking at her – as if she was waiting for her to bring up the elephant between them since both herself and Natasha had left out the intimate details about yesterday during the debrief. Hill’s silence was out of mild embarrassment while Natasha just found it a fun game of taboo and innuendo’s. And their little secret irritatingly seemed to amuse the petite Russian to no end.  

“I’ll be taking a personal role in evaluating your performance from now on – and since you royally compromised my OP yesterday you’ll be placed on the mission’s “backup” list for a fade-out period of a month, after which you are not to interact with that operation again. You will remain contactable to me at all hours if a situation arises and must be within a thirty minute arrival radius of the facility you entered. That means no leaving the city.  And no disappearing off grid. All tasks however will only be assigned to you if they are level three or lower” Hill rubbed in.

“So don’t whinge if you’re sent out on coffee duty at three in the morning.” Fury coughed, getting up. Natasha assumed the sound was as close as the man got to laughing most days. “I’m done here. I have a high priority task of finding an American King Arthur to pull out a hammer-in-a-rock before our site is contaminated with hillbillies. And I know you Agents both have work to do. So get on with it” he ordered, already out the door leaving Hill and a slightly confused Romanoff alone in the conference room.

“Usually if something doesn’t make sense around here it means it’s above your clearance – and you let it go” Hill muttered. “Those are the types of lessons you need to stat picking up on.” The brunette glanced down at her phone that she'd kept aside for the past moments. 

_‘Special-edition limited-time offer from Stinson L.T.D; I’m willing to take the photo off the table if we replace it with the three way. Call now and receive a set of handcuffs absolutely free! (t's and c's apply)’ – B_

Maria swore under her breath as she furiously typed back a reply. She looked back up to see Romanoff still smirking.

It didn't take a super-spy to figure out that flirting with Hill seemed to make her uncomfortable. Picking apart other’s weaknesses was a game Natasha was taught to pick up as a child but playing with the otherwise hardass deputy was admittedly indulgently fun.

Leaning forward slowly, she braced her elbows tightly together against the table, knowing how good that would make her look. “Are you responsible for teaching me all these lessons too?” she asked curiously, “I’d expect we’d need some getting-to-know each other time now since we’ll be working so closely, both in and out of Robin’s bedroom.”

Without breaking eye contact Hill collected the pile of bound manuals from next to her phone and dumped them in front of Romanoff. It was oh so tempting to swing one around and slap the smirk of the other woman’s face, but Maria has been painfully learning to repress those urges over the last 24 hours.

“You can appreciate how difficult it was to find handbooks that can match your thick ego so take very good care of these” Hill instructed, collecting Fury’s abandoned file and her phone before briskly leaving the room. “Study hard, rook” she called over her shoulder before disappearing towards her office.

Natasha’s pride did a victory lap around her mind at the crack in the Deputy’s composition. That was remarkably easy.

She was anything but a rookie, but her new clearance level has her thrown in with field work duds and washout filing workers alike. Again. _This_ is how Americas Intelligence body disciplines the Black Widow?

She relaxed into the leather chair and habitually swept her eyes across corridors beyond the conference room while spreading her assortments of handbooks across the table for inspection; Employment Codes of Conduct and Behavioural Expectations, Job Opportunities and Restrictions in Accordance with Clearance Levels and her new personal favourite, S.H.I.E.L.D Fraternising Policies and Sexual Harassment Disciplinary Procedures.

So even Hardass’s have a sense of humour. Or Hill was legitimately threatening to take action against her. Either way, this was going to be fun.

 

~    ~    ~

 

Turns out Barton being out of town, ‘no disappearing’ rules and a thirty minute travel perimeter had greatly restricted Natasha’s recreational options. She’d already exhausted jogging through the parks within her confined zone, watching reruns of poorly produced American reality T.V. shows and pretending she hated shooing away the black cat that tried to sneak into her new apartment as leisure activities over the past week and a half. The forecasted endless rain and stormy weather only left her with a promise of more miserable hours trapped inside the sparse apartment, sorting through her new paperwork duties and reading the endless stream of policies and guidelines that headquarters sent to her, trying to puzzle out what White would test her on. That bitch really had it in for her – Natasha couldn’t figure out why And she had a tickling suspicion that Hill was personally making sure she never ran out of dull reading options.

She sighed in frustration and threw her current study material against the scratched floor, drilling out a set of push ups as she read. Her brain was drowning in words and paper – it was so typically office-like, so civilian – so _boring_. She wasn’t used to being this stagnant. There had always been something to keep her busy, both body and mind – training, freelancing, pulling herself so deeply into a cover that she became that person – she had constructed a lifestyle to keep herself on her peak. She barely a reason to drop into HQ these days since she could work from home but a serious case of cabin fever had her running out the front door at 7am.

She huffed, increasing the pace and tucking away her stronger arm. Damn Hill with her darn stubbornness. She needed something more. Something fulfilling or distracting. Something that would leave her exhausted enough to get some sound sleep at night instead of letting her mind run wild. Anything but her mind running wild.

Natasha groaned and leapt up, dragging herself to the barred window. All of this because she pressed her half-naked self against the crass deputy director? Well. That and possibly the whole ' _dead body in the restricted facility'_ thing. She wiped the frost off the glass with her sleeve and glared at the already grey skies and sprinkles of rain. Call her crazy but Natasha felt that Hill must have known this is exactly the kind of discipline to use. The kind that would actually frustrate her.

She watched a yellow umbrella pop into view and bob its way down the street in tow of a more modest black one. ‘Ted’ and Barney on their way to McLarens. Fury had deliberately made her new location on route of their regular travel path. It was tauntingly cruel since she wasn’t allowed contact unless ordered to do so, but she could see the perks of having an Agent stationed so close to the main facility.  

Natasha drummed her fingers against her arm while she contemplated her afternoon’s options. Well, a week and a half is a rather long time to not visit one’s girlfriend of four months. And even as a level three agent she was permitted entrance to McLarens; it was the apartment above the pub that was forbidden without invitation. Plus, in reality, she’d be doing Hill a favour by keeping up appearances, right? Never destroy a cover unless you have to. 

After a week and a half of playing the _'good school girl'_ card with SHIELD's orders, Romanoff finally built up the resolve to push her new field work restrictions – it's about time she tested the waters anyway or they’d think the Widow had lost her bite.

So it’s decided then.

_She’ll visit Robin._


	3. A Sobering Moment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait. I wrote a draft, hated it and decided to rewrite the chapter but I hope you enjoy!

Maria tightened her grip on her fifth scotch and soda, putting all her effort into the task of not looking at Barney’s face. Because if she were to do that, well, there would be a broken nose at this table followed by the silence she oh so craves but knows she can’t achieve right now.

“…imagine a grizzly bear dressed in a suit sitting on the shoulders of a dolphin while the dolphin water-skies to ACDC’s ‘Highway to Hell’. THAT’S how awesome this second Robin Sparkles video is. Picture, if you may, a little ginger kitten with an itty bitty helmet and cute little elbow pads on its fluffy ginger paws riding a rocket-powered skateboard over a ramp through rings of fire. THAT’S how awesome this video is!” he smugly downed his drink and leaned back against the booth as Ted, Marshal and Lilly psyched out. “Oh and Robin I was on the phone to Australia this morning, they’re totally in. That makes 28 broadcasting countries and four continents, whaddup!” he hollered, toasting himself with an empty glass.

The deputy puffed, slinging out of the booth to get another drink. This man was ridiculous. No he was so past ridiculous that it was ridiculous. Hell, she thought dealing with Clint’s pranks around HQ was headache worthy but even Hawkeye had nothing on the nauseating, uncalled for, smack-yourself-in-the-face-with-a-shovel level of crap that she had to put up with from Barney. She so needs to retire from field work. Like, now. But the paperwork to do so would take at least an hour to fill in and needs a minimum three working days to be processed. So alcohol will have to do for tonight.

“Carl put another beer on our tab will ya” she muttered, glancing at the back corner of the bar. And yeah, to top it all off the two bulky men who have been following her for the past week were still nibbling pretzels and not talking. Just like they have been doing for the last hour and a half. God, the Commander side of her wanted to slam a S.H.I.E.L.D. training manual in front of their stupid-ass noses and give them a few pointers on surveillance detail but at that moment her hazed brain processed the bottle the bartender had placed in front of her and she was contently distracted.

 _It’s a few drinks then a water Hill_ , part of her mind reminded her. Her nights working undercover may as well have been married to McLaren’s Bar’s opening hours thanks to the convenience of the place, but even by Robin’s whisky-drinking-cigar-smoking standards she’d had a fair bit too much tonight. And the gang had only been here for an hour and a half. As she made her way back to her seat Barney made a point of straightening up in his chair and gazing at the ceiling. _Oh God that’s his bro-code face_. _He's going to rhyme lies about a historical dead guy,_ she groaned.

“When one bro does so as to catch his lady friend with another hoe” he slowly recited, pointing between Ted and Maria. _Aaaaaaaand that’s why I’m drinking tonight_ she remembered, sipping irritatingly at her beer. “Then that bro must know so as to blackmail the shit out of this situation till Robin agrees to make out with her hot girlfriend while I watch and preferably film” he rambled out of his rhyme and stared expectantly at Hill, who was now frowning. _Well at least he didn’t bring George Washington into this._

“Barney I asked if you could pass the hot wings. Not bro-code me on the Sparkles situation” Ted gazed wistfully at the food, trying in vain to grapple for them.

“Which you’ve taken too far” Lilly chipped in for the hundredth time. “I’m sure Robin has a perfectly honest and reasonable explanation for why she has not yet even introduced us to her totally lovely, gorgeous, _redhead_ girlfriend who she is in love with. Or why she hadn’t even shared the fact that she has a lovely, gorgeous redhead girlfriend, not even to me, the woman who was under the presumption that she was Robin’s best friend and shares all of her romantic stories with” Lilly sooked at her begrudgingly. She’d taken quite a personal sting at the news, Maria wasn’t sure if it was the point about the secret girlfriend or the fact that the secret girlfriend wasn’t _her_.

“Lilly, you and Marshal ‘doing it’ while sharing nachos isn’t a romantic story or the type of thing you should be bragging about” Maria brushed off, raising an eyebrow at the high five Marshal earned from Barney. 

“Do you and Natalie bring food into the bed room?” Barney asked, “Bro tip; redheads and whipped crème goes _off_ ” his fist burst open with complimentary explosion sound effects.

“No no, white washes out red. You’d want a rich, deep color, something passionate – like chocolate sauce” Lilly argued.

“Calm down Picasso my girlfriends not a pallet” Maria rubbed her forehead with her cold fingers

“Anyone noticed she didn’t deny the food thing?” Ted smirked, settling for a handful of pretzels.

“We don’t-“ Maria tried

“They are totally _kink-queens_ , I’m calling it” Barney grinned.

“It’s no- no, no. We don’t do weird shit” Maria insisted, rubbing her eyes and taking a swing. “It’s just like a regular one of my relationships – but with a girl”

“Tell me Robin, do your ‘regular’ relationships leave a set of handcuffs out on the coffee table after a get-together?” Ted puzzled, feigning deep thought with a pretzel swinging in his hand.

“Ugh!” Maria resting her eyes on the palms of her hands, feeling a sickness coming on. One time. One time she got lazy unpacking after a ‘day in the office’ and it just had to be after her run in with Romanoff.

“Handcuffs?” Barney perked, dropping the olive toothpick he had been tinkering with, “please do tell” he leaned forward, “Fuzzy or metal, were there leather straps?”

“Can you all _back off_?” Maria groaned. “I can’t walk into a room anymore without you guys interrogating me about Natalie!”

“Oh. My. God” Barney murmured softly. Maria glanced up, not expecting such a sensitive reaction from him but she quickly noticed his attention was focused behind her. He put down his glass, adjusting his tie and cuff’s with purpose, pulling an Indiana Jones style hat from under the table. “Ladies and gentlemen of the table, feel this moment, remember this moment. This is the moment I re-write the history of the-hottest-girl-I’ve-ever-slept-with as I bang that, I-I mean those, I mean her” he pointed towards the bar door. “I call _eternal dibs_ on those, I-I mean that, I MEAN HER!” he roared as he slid out to the far end of the counter, rolled his shoulders and dropped into a casual pose before sup nodding the girl in front of him and putting on the hat.

“Wh-where did he pull that out from?” Marshal flustered, ducking his head a few times to look under the table. “It’s an enigma of the mystical” he dramatically whispered, pawing around under the booth for a hidden drawer or compartment.

“Oh no” Ted rubbed nervously at his beer’s label “Robin…” he hesitated, growing timid under Hills curious hard look. “Barney just called eternal dibs on your Natalie” he managed to squeak.

Maria stared at him for a few moments, processing what he said before glancing behind her. She pushed her beer away from her feverously as her eyes hit the bright burst of red talking to Barney, the group immediately read it as jealousy and fell quiet.

“Ar-are you comfortable with Barney, you know…talking to her like that?” Marshal asked gently, pausing in his search to get a glimpse of Robin’s girl “I can go toss him over my shoulder and haul him away for you” he offered, showing Maria’s favorite _big-brother_ side of him.

“Would you be comfortable with me talking to her like that” Lilly murmured dreamily, eyes locked on the bounce of Natalie’s wet curls causing Marshal and Maria to turn and check her over.

“You right Lil?” Maria quirked an eyebrow

“I am now that she’s here. Her Facebook profile made her look like a 9 but oh momma Robin, your girl’s a total 20!” Lilly was practically melting in her seat “Can I meet her, can I meet her, can I meet her, pleasssee?” she whined as Natalie peeled off her rain soaked jacket, revealing a low-cut light-pink blouse and grey pencil skirt combo. So not a Natasha Romanoff kind of outfit. 

“You Facebook stalked her?” Maria wasn’t expecting that one.

“Maybe a little” Lilly shrugged.

Marshal rolled his eyes “She’s already been reported twice and blocked” he reiterated, trying to subtly turn back to the patch of table under Barney’s seat.

“I guess I should go grab her off Barney” Maria huffed, jolting up. Her hands blindly fumbled around for the table as her head swayed. _Perhaps I should have stopped drinking two drinks ago_ she grumbled, biting down the throbbing pain in her left temple as she paced over to the redhead. She was quite apprehensive about confronting Romanoff after drinking, it was hard enough trying to match the woman when sober. She may be kissing her Hardass reputation goodbye after this one –S.H.I.E.L.D. locker rooms are going to be teeming with this story by tomorrow afternoon. Maria grit her teeth.

“…I fought the first poacher with my bare hands” Barney clawed his hands as if they were made of razors. “He went down quickly, the other two were the struggle. Can you believe that low-life scum used the baby Orang-utan as a hostage? That’s when I knew I had no choice, it was going to be their innocent life, or my own.”

Maria haltered in her step, curiously waiting behind him for the perfect timing.

“So I pretended to surrender and when they turned their guns on me I striked. Lashing, punching, fighting them with everything I had in me, all for the sake of that poor orphaned animal. I hit one hard and he went down and just as I got the other guy – he aimed for the monkey. Without thinking of my own life, I jumped in front of the little guy and as I took the bullet all I could think of was ‘ _sacrificing my life so this little guy may have a chance to experience his own – is worth it’_. It wasn’t fatal, I managed to beat the poacher and walk – for three days – to the animal sanctuary and then another day canoeing up the amazon to get medical help” he finished, taking off the hat and staring ghosting-ly at the “save the animals” pin shining on the front.  

“Where’s the bullet wound?” Maria asked

“Wha- whaa?” Barney turned to face her, checking her from head to toe

“Scherbatsky I called dibs!” he growled under his breath.

“Well I just thought a rifle – that’s what the poachers would have had right? – would have left quite a scar, and you know how chicks love scars. Can’t we see your battle wounds?” she pleaded, sounding perfectly entrapped by his story.

Barney swiveled between the two women’s curious gazes, “I mean it’s still recent, and the doctors said I shouldn’t remove the wrapping, you know how it is right?” he chuckled at the redhead.

“Sure don’t love, I’ve never seen that kind of wound before” she chirped. She looked behind Barney and grinned wickedly. “Hey darling” she purred, sliding forward to land a firm kiss against Maria’s lips.

“Hey yourself” Hill muttered lowly, keeping a hand on the woman’s shoulder with her elbow locked ensuring there’d always be a distance between them.

She processed the kiss two seconds too late and could feel her cheeks and neck burn in embarrassment but being the stubborn Deputy Director she is, Hill refused to back down from the unspoken staring match the other woman had started. Natasha’s lips quirked in amusement.

“D-d-darling?” Barney stumbled, staring at shock at the ghost of the kiss left on Maria’s lips. “Y-you banged, I, she, you’re dating Robin? You’re only-wearing-a-jersey girl!” he realized loudly, his right cheek twitching.

“The one and only” Natalie offered a dazzling coy smile. “And I’m going to go out on a limb and assume your real name isn’t Harrison Beddem?”

“Was it the hat or Robin ruining it?” he gruffed, pulling out a pocket notebook and pen, earning a sharp elbow to the ribs from Maria.

“This is Barney, avoid him at all costs unless you want a migraine” Maria muttered, dropping her arm from the agents shoulder to her wrist so she could tug her towards the booth. _Ok objectives; make polite small talk with the gang then pull aside Romanoff and check my phone for op updates. And water, I need water._ “But these guys are Marshal and Lilly. They’re the more _civilised_ side of the group” Maria hinted, forcing a smile to match Natalie’s. If this agent was going to make a habit of gate crashing her undercover life, she should at least be able to tell the difference between civilians and people of interest. “And you’f met Ted” she clipped tossing a look at the man’s flushed face, not noticing the slur creeping into her voice as she pawed around in her pocket till she got a grasp on her phone while the gang let out a stream of greetings – and Lilly tried to seductively lean against the table.

No intel or op updates. Not even a status request.

So Romanoff’s here on her own terms again?

She let out a deep sigh, rubbing the side of her head that was still throbbing. Again. Really? Freaking again? No wonder Barton’s the only one that can stand going out on op’s with her…or is that dumbass the one that encourages this kind of erratic behaviour? 

“Of course, Robin’s always going on about all of you. It’s so lovely to meet you” Natalie grinned, rubbing her hand ‘affectionately’ along Hill’s arm as a sign for the other agent to loosen the overly tight grip on her wrist. Hill ignored it. Natalie gave her a tight lipped kiss on the cheek in stubborn retaliation before sweeping her eyes across the room again, checking areas that were blind spots from the door. _Oh crap_. “But baby, I was under the impression I was meeting you alone” she hastily added, trying to look flustered.

Hills head snapped to the Agent hanging off her arm “Oh. Do you want to go somewhere else?” she asked, puzzled. Heck if Romanoff wants to leave, it just makes things easier for her. 

“It’s so great to meet you guys, but we just have a lot to catch up on” the redhead rattled, frowning in apology. She threw in a pout for good measure “I haven’t seen my Baby Bird for days” she turned her puppy eyes to a now irritated Maria.

“Baby Bird” Barney choked on a laugh “Robin, you never mentioned you guys use pet names!” he made his trademark fake ‘awwww’ face as Ted and Marshal made a collaborative decision to get up, Marshal having to haul Lilly to her feet along with him forcing Barney to scoot behind Maria, out of their way.

“I already gate crashed one uh, date between you guys. Don’t’ let me ruin another” Ted smiled – mostly at Natalie – as he pulled out his wallet to cover the tab. “But hopefully we’ll be seeing you around now that Robin doesn’t have to hide you from us anymore” he threw a hard to read look at the brunette as he walked away…right into a table before awkwardly trying to brush it off with a wave and heading to the bar. 

“We’ll head out too. Lil and I wanted to have a Great British Bakeoff marathon sometime soon, we can go do that and give you guys the night to yourselves” Marshal tugged at his wife

“Or we could join you for a double date; oh you know where the perfect place for a double date is? The Lusty Lepoard! I bet Natalie can rock a strip pole” Lilly laughed. For maybe a few seconds too long, earning a raised eyebrow from Natalie.

“A strip club?” she smirked, eyeing up Lilly’s frazzled state.

“Or Marshal can take you home” Hill threw back at her. Though it was nice having Lilly’s not-so-covert lady fantasies shifted onto someone else for once.

“Come on Lilly-pad” he tugged at his wife’s arm one last time “we need swing passed the all-night bakery and pick up some late-night-marathon food” he held out a hand to shake Natalie’s. “It was nice getting to meet you, you guys have a nice night” he smiled pulling Lilly along

“Ok. But only if I get to pick a cake” she sooked off behind him, giving Robin a quick wave goodbye and winking at Natalie. The ladies watched them leave.

_Peace at last._

Maria sighed, feeling the hazy buzz rumble at the back of her mind again. Hmm, water time.

“And then there were three” Barney cooed from behind her. She stiffened, before turning around to glower at his smirking face.

“So ladies shall we take this back to my place?” he grabbed his jacket off the back of the booth and snapped it in the air.

“Barney, leave us please. _Now_.” Maria growled, unleashing her Hardass glare on him. To her satisfaction it caused him to stumble back slightly before scoffing.

“Easy Scherbatsky, it was a joke” he chuckled “I’m not that kind of guy” he clarified to Natalie who gave him a very haunting side glance. “Ok well this was fun, don’t call me I’ll call you uh – I mean, see you kids later” he stuttered, grumbling as he grabbed Ted from the bar, probably heading out to keep the night going.

“Look Romanoff, it’s not that I’m not flattered by your little drop in’s but if you break the protocols that I’ve put in place one more tim-”

“The men in the back corner, ex-guerrillas, I know their style. They recognised me when I walked over, _oh crud_! Look, we have to get out now” the little Russian growled, harshly pulling at Hill’s arm as she tugged her to the back door, her entire demeanour shifting into a more alert, stiff proficiency.

Maria was too confused to argue. Gorillas in a bar? Oh no, shit, _guerrillas_. The dynamic-duo of dumbass surveillance – who she had all but forgotten about – were now very openly staring at her…as they pulled out a set of hand guns and followed the Agents out the bar’s back door.

 _REALLY should have sobered up for this_ , Maria groaned.


	4. Shots Fired

Maria had barely recovered from being pushed harshly behind the dumpsters in the time that it took Natasha to disarm and knock out the first man.

She had positioned herself to the right of the door and snapped a clenched fist down against his gun-holding hand as it emerged, cracking a few bones in the process. A sharp side-kick to the gut had him winded enough for the assassin to grab his hair and slam his right temple against the solid doorframe twice before kicking the deadweight body backwards between his blurry buddy and a brick wall, slowing the approach of the second attacker.

The deputy hauled herself up and peered around the edge of the bin, taking in the situation as her mind hazily processed the familiar weight of her glock resting in her hands. _Huh, old habits._

“Stay down, I’ve got this covered” Romanoff growled, glaring at Hill’s slight stumbles and unsteady hands as she pulled out her own weapon of choice; a thin blade that practically lived against her left thigh.    

“You aren’t here to call the shots” Maria muttered, waiting for her target to step into view as she raised her weapon. Some little part of her was kicking against her ego furiously; she has to appear in control of this situation, especially since she has a track record of getting one-up’d every time the smirking assassin enters the room. “Move aside and give me a clear shot” she ordered. “Hey! Bozo with the terminator shirt, walk out slowly with hands on the back of your head and I can promise you your night will end better than your pal’s” she called loudly.

She was met with the distinct sound of a gun’s safety un-clipping through the alley.

“I don’t think they’re here to talk” Natasha puffed at the brunette. “If you must do something, organise the transport that’s going to get these two to S.H.I.E.L.D.” she suggested, canting her head to the left as she picked up shuffling footsteps. “Or call in some tech guys to erase that security camera’s feed” Maria watched as she pulled out a small disk from inside her blouse and flung it upwards in front of her, disabling the camera with a jolt of electricity, all without taking her eyes off the doorway. _Damn her crazy Russian ninja skills_ the Deputy glowered, blinking against the bleach-white flicker of the doorway’s light.

Hill turned her focus to Natasha, about to instruct her to make the call herself when their target jolted out of hiding and opened fire at her. Shocked, she blindly returned a few shots as she fell back and shuffled against the dumpsters for cover.

Flashes and echoes ricochet around the narrow bricked spaced and Natasha used the distraction to lunge at the threat, stabbing his arm out of the way before cleanly slicing his throat. She wastes no time in throwing herself towards the door that leads to the bar, firmly locking the dead bolt and thick metal slide-lock next to the handle before she stopped to the take a stabilizing breath.

“Fuck!”

A stab-like jolt had her twisting sharply to the side as two fingers slide down to the searing pain above her right hip. They were met with hot seeping blood.

She groaned, slipping the knife away to pull at the soft pink silk and check the wound; it was a jagged, messy slice but it appeared the bullet had flown right across the skin and not into her. That was good enough so she turned her focus onto steadying her breathing rather than getting caught up in the pain.

By habit her eyes turned to her surroundings as she scanned for remaining threats and contemplated how to slip away from the scene. She locked onto Hill’s figure, sitting on her ass in the alley staring at the spot where seconds ago their attacker stood. Hill’s eyes squeezed shut briefly before she went ridged and fumbled for her phone, her body language stiff and agitated. Natasha seethed as the Deputy placed her gun oh-so-gently on the gritty concrete, the action itself and the burn in her abdomen making her restless.

“>>Idiot!<< What the hell was that!” she growled. “You could have killed me!” she stormed towards the preoccupied Agent with one hand applying pressure to her wound and sharply kicked away the gun. “If you had stayed down like I told you to there wouldn’t have been gunfire. You exposed us for no reason!” she glowered; roughly dragging the senior agent up by her shoulder as she swiftly scanned the surroundings.

Romanoff burned a dark glare right into Hill’s core. The exact citation on SHIELD intoxication rules in the code of behavior sat on the tip of her tongue, which only pissed her off all the much more – she knew at least one place where she’d like to shove Hill’s S.H.I.E.L.D. handbooks right now but instead, with a deep breath she gave Hill’s shoulder a begrudged heave backwards and refocused on the steady breathing, walking towards the closest man on the floor.

“If you hadn’t turned up tonight they wouldn’ff have budged from their pretzel bowl.” Maria pointed out, struggling to find the right contact on her phone to call. Or rather struggling to fumble her way into the phone’s contacts.

“you can’t say that. It wasn’t my incompetence that screwed this up” Natasha muttered, wincing as she bent to slice off a hefty strip of the man’s cotton jumper to hold her bleeding side in with.

“ _Incompetence_?” Hill baffled, abandoning the phone with a scowl. “Agent Romanoff this doesn’t come down to you thinking you’re some superhuman assassin, above everybody else” she seethed. “I gave you clear instructions. Why the _hell_ did you think you could ignore those and try to take control?”

“Will all due respect Commander-” she started, voice level but anything but polite

“ _Respect_?” Maria spat back, “You don’t have any idea what that means”

“I know a hell lot more about it than you do!” she growled.

“I doubt it Romanoff, you are nothing but a hit-man for hire, you have no respect for whose battle you are fighting, whose life you are taking or the integrity of your employers” Maria rattled off, gritting her teeth and settling for speed dial on SHIELD’s dispatch center. “That’s no longer going to work for us.”

Natasha side slapped her phone clean from Hill’s fingertips, the device whacked into the garbage dumpsters and clattered in a puddle.

“ _What the fuck_?” Maria fumed, shoving Romanoff’s shoulder and turning to dash to her phone. Natasha grabbed her upper arm and held it with a tight vice, sending Maria stumbling back into place.

“Your idea of respect comes spoon-fed from your Government’s ignorant belief that power and freedom can co-exist, you hero-worship soldiers and believe that those with rank are the golden, the most skilled, the untouchable.”

“Sounds like you have America confused for the Soviet Union, Romanoff”   

“That’s how SHIELD runs, you can’t deny it” she growled, dropping her hand and pulling out her own phone. “Make the call. Call whoever it is that is going to clean this up and let them know my incapability did this, because heaven knows the Deputy of SHIELD would never make a mistake.” 

Hill wanted to rub at her upper arm so bad, because _shit_ did that hurt. With shaking fingers, she took Romanoff’s unlocked phone and stared at the call screen. Her ears pricked at the sound of distant sirens.

“We need to leave” Natasha pointed out, collecting Hill’s phone and managing to drag the bodies into cover. When she came back and stood beside Hill, the screen was still blank.

“We aren’t the KGB” Maria murmured, breathing steadily. “We don’t ‘hero-worship’ our soldiers we respect them for putting our country before their own lives, their own loved ones. Freedom and power have to co-exist, how else can you uphold the rights and the structures that give the people freedom?” she asked, fingers slowly working at the key pad. “This is Hill, I need you to intercept a police call sending units towards the back of 240 West 55th Street. That takes priority, then I want a SHIELD-only crime scene team to clean the site and transport two bodies back to forensics for ID’ing. Tell the teams to direct the reports to my desk by the morning.”

Maria looked at Natasha, took in the haunting darkness of her eyes in the yellow and red light of the alley, how her parted lips were quietly panting and her left arm shivering as it pressed into her side.

“You’re shot” she realized, stunned, her eyes widening. She wandered back to pick up her weapon and phone, tugging off her coat.

“No shit” Natasha shuddered, her eyes thinning to slits.

Maria rolled her eyes at that, puffing as she peered around the corner to the empty street. There were lights on in apartments but no one particularly peering out of windows trying to see what the commotion was. Bless New York City and people’s conditioning to things going _bump_ in the night.

 

“Cover up," she decided, giving the jacket to Natasha. "We’ll head back to the upstairs apartment." She set a determined pace out of the alley and towards the main street that was about six building ahead of them. Natasha followed her, noticing a particular lack of sirens heading their way.

“What about that roommate?” Natasha fell in step a few paces behind, pulling at the too-long sleeves before deciding to roll them.

“Fucks sake” Hill groaned, dragging to a halt. She spun to questioningly look at Romanoff for several moments. “Didn’t you get appointed an apartment somewhere close to here?”

“Yes ma’am”

“Lead the way then” she ordered.

They moved in silence, Maria never fully relaxing with the agent in front of her. She threw a few cautious looks at Natasha, picking her words carefully, trying to break the tension. 

"If SHIELD doesn't work out I can FedEx you back to Russia," she smiled, "maybe chuck some cinnamon pretzels in the crate for the trip?"

Natasha rolled her eyes to the stars. "You really are a dork aren't you?" she puffed, pulling the coat tighter and picking up the pace. 

 

. . .

 

Maria stood against the full length windows of the lounge room. The chill of the glass bit against her cheeks as the flashes of headlights pierced through the darkness, blinding her with every pass.

“…I understand sir. It was messy. It won’t happen again” she quietly vowed into phone, her voice creating a piercing ringing in her ears against the relative silence of the room.

A second SHIELD vehicle was twisting through the traffic in front of her, this one unmarked but with a somewhat familiar face behind the wheel. An observation unit perhaps. 

“Romanoff handled the situation quite competently” Hill chewed her cheek, deliberating if she wanted to elaborate. “None of this falls on her. Or rather, nothing passed the event of her appearing without notice.” She coolly replayed the night in her mind. It felt too comical to be real. But then again that describes seventy percent of Marias run in’s with the new agent – the other thirty occurring when Romanoff first approached SHIELD searching for a means of redemption. Hill still couldn’t tell you what sides of the woman were true. She wasn’t sure if there are any aspects of Natasha that are really Natasha besides her search for a new life. That was the only part of the assassin that she trusted.

“If that’s all for now sir…ok Nick. Thank you”

She sighed into the cold air, her breath frosting the glass. Balancing the cup of water against the pads of her fingertips, she watched the rain gather into thick droplets against the glass before sliding down the long panel.

It had been just over an hour since Romanoff had slandered into McClarens but it felt so distant.

Tonight was not one of her proudest moments. But scraping together the little bit of grudged stubbornness left inside her, she snapped her features into a half-assed mask of control and turned to the couch behind her to check on Romanoff. She’s probably required to ensure that the agent doesn't bled to death right?

Ghosts of headlights danced across her vision as she stared around room but startlingly the couch that Romanoff had perched on when they entered the apartment was bare. She curled her toes against the cold floorboards, wishing she’d left her damp shoes on, before she padded through the apartment towards the crack of light at the end of the corridor.

...Well,

She’d found Romanoff.

The assassin was perched on the inside rim of the bathtub, top off, pouring what looked like vodka or some alcohol into her half stitched wound before continuing, the diluted blood swirling around the tub not quite making it to the drain.

It wasn’t exactly the sight Maria was expecting – half passed-out by the toilet from blood loss seemed more likely. 

“The check in with Fury go ok?” she casually murmured, startling Maria. She sounded far too perky for Hill's comfort. 

“Yeah. It’s, uh, all cleared up.” 

Hill watched in stunned silence at Natasha’s sure movements, the way she balanced dabbing the blood away and carefully disinfecting looked like she was in her element but at the same time there was something completely off.

Her whole demeanour had shifted to a weird nonchalance, like she was a puppet playing back a practiced routine and Maria couldn’t tell what parts were ‘Romanoff with her walls up’ from the ‘Romanoff being who she thought Maria wanted her to be right now’.

“I can take you to the hospital.” She felt obligated to do something.

“I’m fine” Natasha hummed, jaw clenching slightly as the next wave of alcohol washed through the wound. The cloth was gently swapped out for the dangling medical needle as she sealed together another section of the gash.

As hard as Natasha was trying there was no way to hide the faint slump in her movements from Maria, or the strain in her eyes as she tried to focus on the delicate work. No doubt she would have lost a lot of blood...because Hill shot her. 

Maria huffed, pushing her shoulder off the doorframe and heading towards the kitchen.

“I’m making you something to eat. Last thing I need is for you to pass out when I leave” she muttered, deciding to leave the redhead to her ways.

Natasha listened for her soft footsteps to fade into the kitchen before allowing her body to hunch over and shiver, jaw clenching as her hand probed around for a pressure point that would numb the pain. She found one with a faint whimper and waited for her head to stop spinning before she allowed herself to continue.

 

 


	5. Bad Omens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To show you I haven't forgotten about this :)
> 
> There may be a bit of re-working in previous chapters as I try to straighten out the plot and carry this forward, but I have plans.

Natasha had waited quietly in a tucked away corner of the apartment, watching Maria’s steady presence clean up the kitchen and slowly wiped down each bench, pan and knife till they were spotless then tentatively put them back in their place. By the time she was done the place was cleaner than when they had entered. That somehow left Natasha feeling worse as Hill made her way out with a hesitated nod and soft “goodnight”. The smell of disinfectant and grilled toast lingered grossly in the air, not letting Natasha forget how the night had ended.

She shivered, her stomach dancing on a fine line between numb and prickling pain as she picked apart the plate of food the Deputy had left in her hands. Everything had turned cold.

She sighed, exhausted from having to think every detail through so much and reluctantly gave her attention to the mewling that had started from the opposite side of the lounge window panels. There was something admirable in those yellow eyes that met her - the way they looked so expectant rather than pleading as a black paw scrapped at the glass. So for that reason and _only_ that, she raised her brow and repetitively twitched her features till the fur ball knew she was trying to get its attention.

“Tonight’s not going too great for you either?” she guessed, tentatively pulling herself to her feet to open the window. A dripping sleek form sulked in and shimmied the rain off her coat before slinking around Natasha’s ankles.

She firmly pushed the cat away with the side of her foot and set the cold grilled sandwich on the still, watching as the she lithely sprung off the floor to sniff the meal. She sat on her haunches as her tail swished, making Nat smile with her stubborn look. “Too bad” she shrugged, turning her back and padding off to her room “beggars can’t be choosers and if there is one thing we have in common its bad luck” she mused to the room behind her. She turned. “You must be an omen, my _Liho_. No wonder I can’t get rid of you” she humoured dryly.

Natasha’s eyes swept around the room and the street beyond – for once she decided to ignore ‘Liho’s’ little paws digging into her couch as she settled in for the night. She ran through a list of final checks before closing the bedroom door and tentatively settling on her bed.

Shutting her eyes, she twisted till her weight rested on the opposite side of the wound but she knew there was no way she would get a comfortable nights rest.

 

-       -       -

 

She was up early and out of the apartment within ten minutes, noticing _Liho_ had beaten her in slipping out. The night was restless like she expected and she couldn’t stand one more waft of Hill’s overkill with the pine-o-clean around the apartment, so before the smell could put her even more on edge she strode down to a small gym around the block. Their machines were either completely outdated or scruffy and second hand but the way they stuck in place forced her to pay more attention to her muscle movement and how she could work around the latest injury.  By the end of the hour the pain had grown into a warm ever-present burn rather than a stabbing. Pleased with that, she hit the showers, grabbed breakfast to go and made her way to SHIELD, finally having to face the uncertainty of the day. 

Not that she had to wait long.

“Romanoff” Maria startled, gathering her jacket and bag from the opposite side of the foyer’s security scanners. “I-I sent you an email, you’re cleared to have the day off for medical leave” she frowned, shaking her head as the agent flashed her ID card and processed though anyway.

“People still send emails?” she droned on her way to the elevators. She heard the muttered retort but chose to ignore it as both women waited for the lift though Hill tried to keep the conversation going.

“Have you seen a doctor yet?”

“No”

“So you’re not on painkillers?” she stuttered, a bit stunned.

“Not yet”

“I can get you some from the Med Wing when Agent Carter is on duty. How’s it feeling today?” Maria asked gently, eyeing her shoes and looking anywhere but at Natasha.

“It’s fine” she grit, waiting for the elevator to ping and its doors slide open before adding “and I didn’t ask for a day off.”

“I approved one for you” Maria pushed out a thin smile “I thought yo-”

“ _I didn’t ask for the day off_ Agent Hill” she repeated coldly, “and I don’t appreciate people making my decisions for me.” She jabbed at the level 5 button a little too hard as Maria shrugged on her suit’s jacket.

“Floor 7, security code Delta-4-4-5-5” she clipped clearly to the panel before muttering “well _sorry_ for trying to help you” to her right. Natasha shrugged, ready to ride out the short trip in silence but years of working around locks, codes and pain-the-ass inscriptions made her stupidly realise something out loud.

“You’re security code is _D-HILL_?” her eyebrow rose “I’ve had phone locks more complicated than that.”

“Yeah but the system works on voice recognition anyway, it’s more of a--fuck it never mind” Hill grumbled as they came to a stop, she was so not arsed to justify herself when Romanoff was wearing that God painful smirk.

“Suit yourself. Well I hope you have a pleasant day _D-Hill_ ” her voice dripped with a bitter sweetness as she swung her hips and made her way to her small work station.

She had to catch herself from spluttering out a laugh at the grumble of _“I’ll be sure to A-Hole”_ just before the elevator doors closed, instead she pointedly let her shoes _smack_ against the floor on her way to the office rooms. 

Romanoff settled in her little booth of space noticing the steaming cup of coffee perched on Clint’s empty desk on her way in – so he was back from the mystery trip in New Mexico. That was something interesting she definitely wanted to catch up on.

Her eyes skimmed around as she bustled through her desk’s draw but she couldn’t spot Clint; with a shrugging hum she dropped her gaze onto the small orange canister that she’d managed to find. Without any nonsense she shook out two pills and threw them down the back of her throat – screw having to wait for a signed paper to every time she needed a set of painkillers – then went through the layers of log-in screens till she reached her account on the SHIELD server.

She was flicking between her emails on one screen and catching up on all-clearance-levels of intel feeds on another when Barton plodded back in, a sweet smelling white box cradled in on hand with a stack of files  clenched in the other.

“There’s a grumpy face if I ever saw one” he grinned, ducking over to punch her arm as he passed. The bruises and cuts along his fingers looked fresh but he hardly seemed to register them. “I’d go away more often if I knew you’d miss me this much” he teased, pushing the paperwork across his desk as he opened up the box from the bakery.

“I do fine without you Clint” she smirked, letting her weight sink into the heavy chair as she watched him fumble from the corner of her eye with cleaning sugar dust and crumbs off his shirt. A smile grew on her lips.

“T’en why are yew so grouchy at yo’r cmm’puter?” he accused around a mouth full while spreading the files in front of him to scrutinise, but not really touch.

Natasha sighed “It’s been a long three days” she explained, scowling at how badly she’d managed to screw herself over in such a short matter of time.

“Yeah?” Clint eyed her, slowing down a little. “Care to share?”

“Depends” she pondered, making her way over “On what you bought me.” She eyed the assortment of three sugar glazed, butter filled and crème stuffed pastries left in the box knowing that they’d be good for her now that the meds had started to kick in. She had made her decision and reached for a promising looking croissant when a blurry hand smacked at her wrist.

“Oh hey hell no, this box is strictly reserved for jet lagged archers and people who actually reply to his texts” he warned, throwing his upper body over goods.

  _Pffft, jet lagged? You flew in from Santa Fe._ “What about Black Widows who got thrown down to a level three clearance and shot by the Deputy last night?” she cocked her head, eyebrow raising with the promise of a good story as Clint gaped at her.

“I really can’t leave you alone for 10 minutes can I?” he smirked, sitting back with a shake of his head. “What _the shit_ did you do?”

She smugly claimed her pastry prize and set to work on getting Barton filled in, while doing some probing of her own. She had always enjoyed how relaxed their talks could be. No strict guidelines. No inhibitions on what to share, what secrets of SHIELD to smugly keep from the other person.  It was a type of relationship she had once thought was fictional.

She was working through a new task of cross checking op-progress and putting puzzle pieces in place for the tactical division as they chatted. As soon as word spread of her dropped status, there had been a scramble in all sorts of divisions to claim a piece of the Black Widow. Counter Criminal and Intelligence branches wanted her in on lower class missions to gain access to her network; op’s and HR teamed up to try to pull her in as a trainer to the higher ranks. But if felt like the shots were being called from far higher up as someone in power had decided it was best to leave her behind a desk, out of reach from prying hands. For that much, she was grateful.

She glanced up when silence settled over Barton’s desk. The archer seemed to be putting a lot of deliberation into what he was about to say. When he finally spoke, it was quiet and honest.

“She’s right though.”

“What?” Natasha paused. A wicked grin split across Clint’s cheeks at the sight of her hesitation.

“Hill about med leave and the Doc visit. Heck Natasha, bad things will happen if you ever tell her I said something nice about her but she has the best sense of judgement that I’ve ever seen in a person; on good days she’s more level headed than Fury. I’d trust my life on her calls both in and out of the field more than I would any other Exec.”  he said quite openly.

Around them the photocopier whirled, computers buzzed and paper files were tapped against a desk. It was all just a reminder that this was a different work place to what she was used to. Different procedures and what she thought were lower standards.  She had to swallow thickly before pressing on with Clint.

“I don’t” she said flatly.  

Barton drummed his fingers on his still-closed flies. “One mistake shouldn’t convict a person.”

Natasha kept her eyes on the blue and black font of her screen as she typed, falling into place with the other agents around her.  “It could have been enough to kill one” she pointed out in a steely voice.

“She’s younger than half the people in this room Nat” he gestured around comically. “Yet she’s the Dep. Most of us won’t even come close to being her _understudy_ in this lifetime. Give it a bit of time and you’ll warm up to her” he decided, finally turning his focused gaze off the side of Natasha’s head and onto the work before him.

“And if I don’t?” Natasha asked quietly, fingers briskly slashing away at her keyboard.

“SHIELD would be a very nervous place to work if you didn’t trust Maria Hill” he stated flatly, flipping through his paperwork with a newly settled perpetuate frown.

 


	6. Please

The apartment smelt like a summer day – despite the chill and echoes of spitting rain against the window panes – as Natasha stirred through the white sauce, adding in the bacon and basil before shifting to the pasta on the stove over.  With the weather being all moody and her work life anything but great at the moment, Natasha had broken one of her rules by going native and embracing the oldest of New York traditions for Saturday afternoons – treat yo’self.

She hummed now and then to the familiar tracks of a Tarkovsky CD streaming through the DVD player feeling quite content with her morning spree at a few thrift shops. Her apartment was beginning to shape up as more ‘lived in’ with throw rugs, vases and worn books finally filling in the blank shelves and spaces - which would be important if any guests were to come over. Not that it was all work and no play; as the music swelled the retired ballerina even found her feet bouncing between second and fifth position. Plus the throw had been a bit of a find with tiny embroidered black cats stretching along the sides which she thought was pretty apt, given who had claimed it as soon as she laid it down.

The temptation of her late lunch was too much and she guiltlessly sipped at the sauce left on the wooden spoon while busying herself with the _Robin Scherbatsky_ file that she’d taken the trouble to print. She was breezing through, mentally testing herself on how much she remembered when her phone buzzed from the hip of her sweatpants.

 **Unknown Number**  
Are you an elevator? Because I want to go down on you.

She flippantly typed back;  
I could be but just like that joke you’re not on my level.

before turning off the stoves and draining the pasta Turning to the file, she flipped through for the summary page of POI and their contact information. Her pointer finger dragged down the page till it settled on the suspected number. Just a double check and yup. Barney.

 **Barney Stinson**  
Ouch. You always this feisty at 2:40 in the afternoon?

 **Nat**  
Just always this feisty ;) Hahaa, who is this? Where’d you get my number?

 **Barney Stinson**  
It’s Barney, Robin’s friend from the bar. Lilly had your number, I think off Facebook. How are you? We haven’t seen your pretty face around.

 **Natalie Rushman  
** Ohh hey :)) Yeah work and stuff is keeping me busy. I’m good though, what are you up to?

 **Barney Stinson  
** Sitting though a teleconference in the office. I bet you are up to a bit more fun.

Natasha chewed the inside of her lip as she turned back to the file. Barney’s work hours weren’t meant to drag into the weekends and after a very brief and still meeting with Hill, she’d quickly caught on that his work life was the whole focus of this mission. Knowing how she wanted to play this and that she had _a lot_ of bonding to catch up on, she set her phone down on the counter and turned back to her meal. Over her lifetime Natasha had integrated little games and plays into her social interactions that always left her with the upper hand. Timing was everything. And a good hand is best played after the appropriate building of suspense.  So, she took her time in raking through her long hair and pulling it into a messy pony before serving out a large portion of pasta into a bowl and tipping a generous helping of steaming white sauce over the top.  She perched on the bench and settled in with her phone – not wanting to wake up Liho since the furball turned the couch into a strict napping territory.

 **Natalie Rushman**  
I’m getting ready for a shower actually. Or maybe a bath? This weather screams candles and bath salts.

 **Barney Stinson**  
Hmmm. I say bath, why don’t you slip in and tell me if I’m right.

 **Natalie Rushman**  
Careful, Robin is my usual bath buddy. We don’t want to give her something to be jealous over ;)

 

**.      .      .**

A little rain isn’t enough to stop a soldier like Maria Hill but it is enough to make her scowl at her reflection in the elevator mirror while she tries to tame the frizz out of her hair. When the doors opened Hill glided through the corridors, letting her curious eyes take in the empty offices and ghostly meeting rooms around her while twisting her way to Barney’s office.

If it weren’t for the light, feminine laugh ringing around her Maria would have believed he was the only one on the whole floor. Part of her wondered whose secretary he’d leered in this time. The other part burned to know how he always got the girl. _Honestly_ it was ridiculous.

Still frazzled from her rain dash she only gave two harsh raps on the door as a warning before letting herself in with a leaver binder in hand.

“I need this back by Monday or someone will noti- Nata-Natalie” she blinked, frozen on the spot as two expectant looking green eyes gleamed at her from the corner of Barney’s desk.

“Robin! Hey, aaaaand” she playfully pouted at the clock on the wall, “4:28 exactly. You owe me that twenty.” She shot a triumphant grin back at Barney while delicately crossing the small distance it took to peck Hill on the cheek. Twice.

Maria smiled weakly at her before laying the binder down on the desk. A crisp Jackson was thrown on top which Natasha happily snagged and tucked into her jean’s back pocket as Hill tried to put herself in the zone to play along with her alias. Ok, unexpected but she can do this.

“Thanks for always being punctual Scherbatsky” Barney scorned, sinking into the plush leather chair. Maria ignored his tantrum.

“You’re here” she clipped in surprise, quizzically looking at Romanoff who had snugly folded herself into the visitor’s sofa while Barney got busy with the folder.

Natasha shrugged, eyeing Stinson carefully while keeping her tone light. “I’ve been here for ‘bout an hour, before Barney called you.”

“Why?” Maria frowned. She made to move forward and take the seat next to the redhead, but quickly rerouted to a visitors chair when a flicker of irritation crossed Romanoff’s face. So they’re not quite at _forgive and forget_ yet.

“Just thought I’d be nice company” she perked sweetly, watching Barney smile to himself.

“Which you are” he sapped at her. “Hold down the fort for me Sparkles, I’ll photocopy these then you can take them back” he told Maria, buttoning his suit as he stood. She vaguely nodded as he walked passed. “Oh! And ladies feel free to properly greet each other. Just smile for the camera’s there, there and that fake fern over there” he clicked out a wink with a devilish smirk before leaving the room to the sound of Natasha’s laughter.

“Romanoff?” Maria quirked when he was out of earshot, raising a brow.

“I had no other plans, thought I’d get some work done here” she explained dryly. She hopped up in one smooth leap and went straight to the draws of the desk, carefully bristling through before moving on to the book shelf and then the paper shredder. She clipped off the lid and puzzlingly picked thorough the basket.

Maria sighed, not bothering to get up and join her. “This office is clean. I’ve swept it a thousand times over.” She lazily watched Romanoff’s slow and careful movements while keeping her ears alert for the sound of footsteps.

“What did you bring him?” the agent quickly asked.  

“A research file from Metro News, it’s pretty basic” Maria huffed. She shuffled around till she was able to shrug off her wet jacket, letting it fall in a pool of leather on the floor before reaching for her buzzing phone.

“What’s the research on?”

“Yesterday’s news, literally” she said blankly. It was Ted calling, which wasn’t all that exciting but it was something to do besides talk to Romanoff. “Mosby, what up?” she chirped.

Natasha lifted her gaze slightly before turning it back to a paper in her hands.

“How’d you know we’re here?” Maria frowned, guessing the answer before she had to hear it. Barney. “Right, um sure I’ll ask but she may have plans” she warned, knowing he’s the type for getting his hopes up.  She pressed the phone into her shoulder and turned hesitantly to Natasha. “Ted’s making dinner, he wants to know if you’d want to come join us” she told her, watching the agent fold a half shredded corner of a page and carefully slip it into her pocket.  

“Sure, why not” Natasha hummed, clicking the shredders lid back on and making her way over.

“She said yes.” Maria sighed heavily. “I’m sure she’s not fussed on- oh. Yup uh huh, that sounds amazing! Ok, see you Ted.” She quickly hung up before he could finish running through the many courses by both their gourmet names and list of ingredients; a lot of which sounded French when Maria was at least 90% sure they weren’t meant to. The man knew how to ramble. “What did you find?” she asked curiously.

Natasha was leaning on the centre of the desk, her legs splayed out so that they almost touched Hills. She tentatively lifted the toe of one foot and stroked down the underside of Maria’s calf through her pants, watching the taller woman tense at the touch. “I’ll show you later” she murmured before lifting her voice. “Hey what’s ‘Sparkles’?” she questioned with an innocent tilt of her head.

Barney almost choked as he walked back in. “Only the most awesome thing ever!” he hollered, rubbing his free hand against the breast of his suit. “Natalie my Natalie; you are in for a treat. I have the full collection. Scherbatsky, why haven’t you told this girl about Robin Sparkles yet?” he tisked distastefully.

“ _Robin_ Sparkles?” Natasha repeated, testing the words together in her mouth. She watched curiously as Maria physically squirmed while trying to shoot Barney a warning glare.

“We had a deal” Hill reminded him.

His shoulders fell with a sighed. “Fine” he grumbled, handing back the folder. Maria pawed through it, briefly trying to pick out what had been removed to copy. She didn’t notice Barney winking at Natalie from behind her mouthing a promise of ‘I’ll show you later’ as he sorted out his brief case and appeared to pack up shop. “You ladies want a lift with me? Ranjit is parked on the corner” he offered, flicking off the lights as he led the way out.

“Yeah that’d be great” Maria looked up and followed him. She did a double take to check on Natasha when the redhead wasn’t by her side. Apparently it was because she had stopped in the doorway. To tug on a jacket. Maria’s forgotten jacket. Hill’s brow furrowed at how good it looked on her despite their obvious difference in height but then again she wondered if anything wouldn't look good on Natasha. 

“Finders keepers” Romanoff whispered on her way past. She walked briskly till she was matching Barney stride for stride, picking up a conversation on what his week had been like as she gloated in Hills outraged frown. “You’ve got a massive office and you’re obviously important around here but what is your job exactly?” she puzzled at Barney.

He rolled his eyes and fixed his tie as the elevator opened for them. “Please” he scoffed.

Natasha entered in after him, confused and mildly curious, but he gave her no time to breath before pressing on with their chat.

“So tell me about your week Natalie. I'd love to hear every detail, I’m a great listener” he promised, holding the door for Maria and giving his full attention to the redhead.

“Well” Natasha inhaled deeply. “I don’t know where to start.” She shared a small smirk with Hill before jumping into a groaning rant about her Monday morning and the subway timetable change on their way down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From next week onward I'll be travelling about a month - yay! - so unfortunately I'm not sure when the next update will be up.


	7. Bitter Sweet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has been on hiatus for too long, sorry to those who are very interested in the story BUT your keenness really motivated be to push on! There may be some bumps in updates but I'll see if I can get this flowing again :) Thank you to those who still read, you guys are the best!

Ted’s dinner had gone down a treat, Romanoff got a five course home cooked meal out of it and Maria got a chance to watch the agent in her element and try to untwist the puzzle that is Natasha Romanoff.

Hill learn three things about Natasha in that evening. She didn’t like fish but forced it down anyway because _Natalie Rushman_ was still trying to win hearts. She seemed to have a mental book on every member of the group, pulling out trivial questions on how Lily’s kindergartener’s enjoyed their fieldtrip to smirking at Barney and sharing secret words like ‘funny weather’ and ‘cheesecake’ which sparked a wicked twinkle in their eyes and left one or the other smirking uncontrollably. And thirdly, she was constantly on edge. The group sat round the couches – while Ted took an awkward perch on the floor and avoided eye contact with Maria – bantering over a game of What Are the Chances, and yet Natasha was giving off all the signs of being in a regular field op. Every few moments she would gaze softly out the window – her eyes scanning the opposite buildings – or turn the band of her watch around to glance at the screen – SHIELD issue of course, with a standard red light that would flash if a threat was flagged in the area. And she had claimed the brown armchair, Maria realised, which set her in the most defendable position of facing the door but having a clear path to two alternate exits.

“ _Robin_ ” Ted’s strained voice grit at her. Maria blinked away from Natasha as he leaned forward, eyebrows raised and scrunched. “You with us?”

“I –yeah” she laughed. “What did you say?” she scooted in her seat so her legs tucked under her as she took a distracted swig of her beer. Natasha eyed her silently, hands slowly spinning her own drink in her hands.

“Lily?” Ted threw the attention to she suspiciously fidgety redhead with a smooth head jerk.

“Robin” she stared, her tone making Maria smile curiously. “What are the chances you tell us how you and Natalie met?” she bubbled.

“Oh I- we” Maria goldfished, head snapping between and eye rolling Natasha and expectant Lily. “Ugh, fine. Ten” she decided.

“What!” Barney scoffed, disgusted. “Ten, _ten_ Robin I-” he held up a finger, shaking his head. “Ten is what you say when someone asks you, what are the chances you eat a full pepper, or what are the chances you streak down the street. If you want to pull out middle school truth or dare garbage it’s got to be a five or lower. Have some respect for the game Scherbatsky” he scoffed, utterly offended and he fluffed his suit jacket and reclined in the armchair.

Maria groaned. “Whatever then, the chances are five,” she shrugged, making Lily thrilled enough to squeak. “Natalie, count us in” she ordered, bracing herself as she eyed down her opponent, trying to get in her head. Ok, Lily teaches kindergarten right which are five and four year olds, so those numbers are too obvious for her.

“One” Natasha spoke clearly, dragging the number out. 

And she couldn’t pick three because everyone picks three. Same with one.

“Two.”

So two then…unless Lily was thinking along the same lines which was very likely seeing how much the woman loved these games, so she wouldn’t be expecting Maria to say 1, 3, 4 or 5 which made them perfec-

“Three!”  Natasha grinned followed swiftly by Lily and Maria calling out,

“Five!” in unison.

Lily squealed while Maria froze mid chug, her beer pressed to her lips as she realised she’d lost.

“Crap” she huffed, slumping slightly.

“Sooo, how did it happen? When did your paths cross?” Lily shuffled in, all ears as she stared doe eyed and expectantly at Maria.

“Uh,” she started, shooting an intense look Natasha’s way. Heaven help her, despite writing the damn brief backstory herself, the deputy couldn’t remember it for the life of her. “We- we met at the park” she explained shakily, Natasha immediately giving her a little head shake. “And it was” she mentally counted back the months, “It was Autumn.” Romanoff let out a soft breath. Natalie Rushman and Robin were meant to have crossed paths five months ago, when Natasha was undercover at Stark industries. The plan was to use Robin’s news researcher role alongside the press meeting for the announcement of Pepper as CEO where the two met, flirted and exchanged numbers.

“But it felt like winter” Natasha cut in fondly, earning a few head turns. She smiled softly, “It had rained hard the night before because everything was soaked. I was picking up a latte and some signed papers for Ms Potts at the time.” She quirked her head at the brunette, whose eye’s went wide as she cringed. “And was on the phone to her while I cut through the park when suddenly my phone was knocked into a puddle and my shoe’s were dipped latte brown. If the splatter was a bit more consistent it would have looked really vintage” she perked, shrugging at Maria.

“Right, I was jogging and apparently being a total klutz, not paying attention to what was around me” Maria chuckled

“Wouldn’t be the last time” Natasha sapped playfully. Maria gripped her bottle a little tighter.

“And I ran into, poor poor Natalie who was too distracted with her work to remember she was in the real world too.” Maria twisted a sweet smile back at the redhead, who narrowed her eyes at her over the lip of her glass.

“That’s me I guess.” Natasha laughed, “a workaholic. So I’m standing there, a little shocked and slightly pissed off when I turn around to see who I was going to scream at when I first see her.” Lily hummed, bracing her cheek in her palm. “Sitting on her arse, soaking wet in a puddle, mud splattered all over the side of her face.” Maria grit a laugh through her teeth.

“And of course she doesn’t offer me a hand or anything but I go from running upright to sitting on the floor with a-” Maria hesitated slightly, “with possibly the worlds most stunning girl laughing at me and it’s like something shifted, I dunno, it sounds cheesy but that was it, I was hooked.” Lily stared dreamily at her, a dopy smile on her face.

“And?” she prompted. Maria raised her eyebrows, thinking hard.

“And…”

“And I came to my senses and helped the pretty girl off the ground, she flustered around trying to apologise and introduce herself at the same time and I though it was cute. So when she offered to replace the coffee I said yes…but she was also a bit too shy to walk into a café in her state” Natasha bit her lip fondly. “She did give me her number though and I gave her mine and she promised to make it up to me some other time.”

“That’s real sweet” Ted nodded, throwing in a shrug. “I mean it’s no blue French horn but” he scoffed. “Coffee, so cute.”

“Ted” Lilly snapped, pulling out her teacher voice. “I like it, it’s a great _how we met_ story” she assured.

“Hmm, yeeeah” Ted stretched, getting to his feet. “For a romcom maybe, but where’s the soul mate moment? The chivalry, the chase?” he asked lightly, quickly scooting out to grab another drink. “But it’s a great story Scherbatsky” he called from the kitchen.

Maria shrugged. She though she’d done an A Plus job of bullshitting back there. 

“No no, Mosby I agree with you here. There’s no real intimacy in that story, we want to know how you two connected” Barney netted his fingers together, abruptly adding “tell us about the first time you did it.”

Natasha chucked, “I’ll let Robin tell you that one. Go on baby bird.” She gleefully settled into her chair as the brunette grit her teeth at her.

“Nah uh” she shook her head between the two of them, Barney’s utter attention focused on her. “No way” she put the beer down and hopped off to the bathroom, Natasha smiling to herself till the door closed.

Romanoff melted into the group over the rest of the night. she had them smitten for her by her second time meeting the gang; Lily wanted to take cooking classes with her, Marshal was still freaking out over the last three Tony Stark stories and Barney was strangely quiet and easy going around her – the biggest shock of all was Ted though, who no longer tinged pink every time Romanoff turned a sly gaze his way.

“More Ironman stories, please Natalie, I know you’re holding back!” Marshal begged for the umpteenth time.

She buried herself deeper into the warmth of Maria’s jacket with a surrendering groan. “Okay, okay. Hmmm. You remember the Grand Prix in Monaco?” Her brow arched, ready to spring as Marshal gaped at her.

“No way” he breathed, tapping Lily’s knee as he leaned in. Natasha mirrored him, drawing in close as her soft lips twisted up and her eyes twinkled.

“I was there. Saw the whole thing, even got to carry the briefcase-suit” she gloated.

Maria rolled her eyes a warm smile breaking across her face as she watched Marshal shake his hands as if they needed to be air dried. “The suit! She touched _the suit_!” he squawked, knees bouncing. Hill pinned the buzzing mood on the wine.

Natasha nodded earnestly, scooting closer as she gave an eye-witness run down of the shit-storm of a day, when Tony Stark had to face the reality that his arc-reactor tech was no longer under his exclusive control.

“Do you still see him Natalie?” Ted spoke up from the kitchen, fighting hard against being forgotten in the room.

“No, besides on TV. It was a once-in-a-lifetime type of jobs I guess” she considered, Maria read into it as meaning _even then it was once too many,_ that op had gone from a trial run on surveillance detail to class 7 in the blink of an eye.

Hill rose, pinching the empty bottle of red from the middle of the group as she went. “Tell them about the time you modelled in Tokyo” she teased 

“You model?” Barney beamed, “that must have been real something" 

“Used to” Nat shrugged. “Lingerie mostly.” Lily dug out her phone as Barney went on the recall Robin’s brief glimpse of fame.

 

\- - -

 

Maria threw Ted a fleeting smile as she walked into the kitchen and tucked the bottle into a corner.

“She’d definitely something” he said, tone light.

“Yeah” Maria smiled, before muttering under her breath “you have no idea. 

He hummed quietly, and Maria just waited for the probing questions on Natalie to start. 

“Hey, I need your opinion” he said, ducking towards her and making Maria startle with a small “oh?”

“I wasn’t sure what would go with the lemon and yoghurt cake so I made two toppings, there’s the caramelised sugar and vanilla” he raised his brows as he lifted a spoon to her lips. Hill hesitantly opened her mouth as she was fed the teaspoon of whipped sweetness, feeling like an utter child. She rolled it along her palate and hummed indulgently. “Or, to throw a little something special into the mix, a lemon zest and honey meringue” he just as eagerly raised a spoon of the other choice before tensely steeping back and waiting for the verdict.

“Oh! Mmm, the second one Ted. That’s nice” she smiled, taking the spoon out of his hands and heading for a second helping.

“Really?” He grinned, “see I wasn’t sure because meringue’s _must_ be served after their set and it wouldn’t have the time to sit in the fridge”

“Just serve the cake Ted, they’ll probably think it’s whipped crème anyway” she rolled her eyes, scavenging through the cupboards before finding an unopened bottle of Moscato. Perfect for dessert. She grinned, heading back towards the ice bucket. She gripped the doorway, feet freezing in place as the familiar words trickled to her ears.

“ _Hey Jessica how’s your beaver?_ ”

 _Fuck me with a cactus_ , she groaned. Ted did a spit take behind her as Romanoff’s jaw dropped slightly, a wicked twinkle glowing in her eye as she met Maria’s gaze.

“Barney you promised!” Maria groaned, heat flushing her cheeks and neck as the gang huddled around Stinson’s phone, whole bodies straining barely able to keep a straight look on their face. 

“But I had cross-sies” he winced unsympathetically, raising two crossed fingers and flipping the phone so the video played on widescreen. Natasha curiously eyed down Maria while tightly biting down on a smirk, pure wonder caught in her eyes. There was a clattering of metal falling on tiles as Ted zipped passed her, sliding across the floor to get a glimpse.

“Robin Sparkles part two” he breathed in wonder, gripping the couch feverously. 

“ _Great how’s you’re beaver_?” a sweet voice called out.  
“ _Busy as ever_!” Maria moaned, slamming her forehead into the doorframe. The brunet sunk her nails into the wood before taking a shaky breath and cringing over. As soon as she caught sight of her teased bright blond hair and rosy cheeks grinning at the beaver puppet she wanted to barf.

“Our character’s had pet beavers.” She felt she had to explain. Marshal was turning pink and Ted had all but died from a lack of oxygen from choking on his laughter.

“Yup” Lilly agreed, enjoying this a little too much even as she squeezed Maria’s arm in sympathy.

“It’s the official animal of Canada” Hill bluntly reasoned, slumping her weight into the back of Romanoff’s chair when she was met by a flutter of tight laughs. “It’s our national mascot!”

“It’s a noble creature” Barney sarcastically assured her, biting his lip in restraint as a pile of literal wood was tossed onto the spaceship table.

Natasha raised a brow, quietly turning to face her “You were in porn?” she whispered, not a single part of her was able to take this seriously.

“It’s not porn! It’s a kids TV show!”

“ _If Robin’s beaver devours six inches of wood every half hour…_ ”

The redhead coughed on a laugh. “Is this real?” she wheezed, thinking for a moment. “Porn would have been less embarrassing.” Maria pinched her shoulder, giving her a scrunched scowl.

“Anything would be less embarrassing” she mumbled, turning to slide down the back of the chair and twisting open the Moscato.

“ _And Jessica’s beaver devours forty-five inches of wood every forty minutes_ ” the voice continued to trickle to her. Lily squeaked, Barney squealed, Maria chugged. _“How much wood do I need to keep both of these beavers well fed all weekend long?_ ” Whatever effort everyone had put in to hold back their laughter was completely lost. The boys doubled over, gawking and spluttering, unable to control themselves anymore while Lily’s hands tightly clamped to her lips and Natasha cringed, shaking with a low chuckle.

“ _While you figure it out at home, how about we sing you a song, aboot our beavers!_ ”

Maria rubbed the back of her neck as she blankly waited out the rest of the video, the bottle slowly emptying.


End file.
